Deep Breath

Taking a deep breath, metaphorically, before I post this. I feel nervous sharing this news.  I think what made me hold back the longest was fear. Fear of how others would perceive this news and me as a result. I'm over that now. I've spoken with most of the people whose opinion matters to me.

I wish to be very clear up front that I am happy.  Very happy and relieved and I feel free and am looking optimistically towards the future. Even though I don't know what the future is. Not that I ever really did, but I had a 'vision' I'd been working towards for about a decade.  Then the vision changed, or became fuzzy, and I knew I didn't have to do things just because I once had a vision.

Part of that vision was to have 2 children, 2 years apart, before I am 30 years old.  Yep, I didn't do that. (FYI, I'm 31 and I have a 3 year-old. Just the one child. So far. And I'm not pregnant. There, that covers that.)


Part of the vision was to be married. Check. Got that part fine and happily.


Then there was the part of the vision where I was going to be a tenured professor. I'd work full time at a university, be immersed in academia, and let someone else do most of the child care (and housework and cooking and such) because I didn't think I'd be much good at full time child care. I figured I didn't have the patience. Kids would drive me crazy.  I'd just come home and read stories with them, do fun stuff on the weekend (when I wasn't grading papers or writing, etc.), and that kind of stuff.

People who know me now probably think that doesn't much sound like me. They'd be right. It's not. I discovered I love spending my days with Abi. She doesn't drive me (too) crazy. Well, most days. She's 3, so of course there are days and hours when she makes it her goal to defy everything. "I want you to be angry mommy!"  She says that. (She also informed me today that she wants to climb the fence and fall and hurt herself - as her friend did yesterday at a party - and that it would be okay because she would heal. Of course she's right.)

I digress.


Over the last few years I've been trying to figure out how my previous vision of full-time tenure and a life immersed in academia was going to fit with my life as a full time, homeschooling, "crunchy granola" momma.  Yes, I'm pretty granola by many standards, which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I don't focus on those things in discussion, but I suspect it's obvious anyhow.  Something about home-births and holistic health and organic gardening and cloth diapers and elimination communication and (still) breastfeeding and co-sleeping and other more controversial issues all together.... they tag me as "granola".

Now, I'm not saying it can't be done - that I couldn't so all that stuff and have the career I once loved....

But I'm not. I made a choice and I'm not. Because I don't love it anymore for many reasons.


A few years back I started mentioning to a colleague that I didn't feel my work or research was very fulfilling. I didn't see how it made the world a better place or helped people. I tried to be creative and imagine it had more value. I could see how some of the research asides I took in the process of my central research project have value.

Those are the areas I'd rather pursue.

Maybe my problems really started in the first year of my undergrad when I discovered religious studies.  I fell in love.

I think I would have done better to have discovered qualitative sociology.
All of which is to say I have had a major shift in career goals.
And a while back I had a major shift in my life priorities.
Consequently, I chose to not complete my PhD program.
There, I said it.
There were other factors as well, such as insufficient support from others.  But I don't attribute blame to them. It was mostly situational, differences in perceptions, etc. Nevertheless, the result was insufficient support.  I could have kept pushing through alone, as I've been doing. That alone was not the deciding factor.
There was life stuff, but that was (relatively speaking) easy to work through.
There was also

I've realized that I am no longer interested in a career in academia and there are so very many reasons for that.  I love facilitating learning experiences, and I had some great teaching opportunities in the past, but I've also had the lousy ones.  And, well, considering that IF I was able to get some teaching opportunities lecturing in the future they are more likely to be of the sort that others don't want to teach - like the intro classes - I know I don't want to do them. Unfortunately, intro courses in religious studies attract many students who expect it to be an easy grade.  Combined with modern shifts in student expectations (the McDonaldization of education), all I can say is I'm tired of dealing with those people. Tired of endless plagiarism reports and doing more work than the students for their own paper. Tired of the whining.  Certainly there are wonderful exceptions - students who are truly appreciative and eager to learn. And there are the silent students who don't complain, and get decent grades - at least to their satisfaction. The short of it is, for me, the small cadre of exceptional students don't adequately compensate for my stress and frustration dealing with the problem students.  I enjoy helping students who seek out help. But I'm done with the vitriol of students who try to blame me for their failings. (Hey, it's not my fault nobody ever pointed out their plagiarism before and now that they are about to graduate and taking this "easy" course and I've written them up for plagiarism which might compromise their opportunities at other scholarships or what not... Except, I do care and I feel bad for them that previous graders failed them in not making them aware of this problem before and thus they arrogantly ignored my lecture on plagiarism and the resources provided...)

I don't blame the current economy, but I'm realistic about it.  There was a time when we were willing to move where a job was available.  And then we limited ourselves to Canada. And then we (as in Robin and I as a family/couple) specified that it would need to be more than a part time/sessional job to move. And then we/I said that if there is already a small chance of getting a university teaching job somewhere, we might as well move home. Because I'm a family person.  I want to move home and settle.  I always said I would never marry military because I didn't want to keep moving.  I "tricked" myself into moving away in the first place when I went to MUN - I spent years convincing myself I couldn't attend UofM just so I'd have to leave for grad school and be on my own.
Now I have a family. And Abi wants to see her grandparents and her cousin as much as I do and as much as they want to see her.  Several times a week she asks to drive to Winnipeg. Even when reminded that it's a long 2 day drive, she's willing to do it. But we can't.  So I'm ready to move home. I have been for quite some time.
When I still imagined myself teaching, I justified the move by saying that the two universities would increase my opportunities to teach, even if only sessionally. I was willing, for the sake of moving home, to teach sessionally and await that magical opportunity to be hired full time at either university - but preferably my Alma Mater. I'm no longer interested in that - as stated above.
And it's not just the teaching sessionally that is no longer of interest. I'm also no longer interested in all that is expected of a full time professor. The endless teaching, research, committees, and other expectations. I wanted that, once upon a time. Now I don't.

In regards to the dissertation and why I am not completing the program, I encountered many difficulties. It started with getting approval from the research ethics review board - and I prevailed.  Then there were the difficulties encountered in the field.  Too few families participated (13 families and over 20 participants; I can't recall the exact number at the moment and really can't be bothered to check).  I truly enjoyed the research process, as always. I wouldn't say I didn't learn anything - that's never the case! - but I didn't gather the kind of data I was hoping for.  I knew all along that my research interests would be best served by a longitudinal study (and I'm not discounting the possibility of follow ups to complete it as an independent researcher), but I hoped for some "juicier" short term data.  Or to at least discern some sociological trends, but with a small sample of diverse families and variance within each family, this was not possible.  No matter how many times I poured over the data, re-organized, charted, listed, made comparisons... (I won't go into too much more detail at the moment. I do still intend to finalize some publications - after a short break.)  I tried to compensate with additional research regarding theory and developing methodology - successfully so. In the end, however, as I was writing and rewriting the chapters directly concerned with the fieldwork, I was never satisfied.  One day I might look again with fresh eyes and figure something out that's entirely different from the angle I've been taking. Who knows. I'm not worried about it. But it was yet another difficulty encountered.

Finally, I came to accept that I don't need any extra letters at the beginning and/or end of my name. I don't need the prestige of a PhD - despite having worked towards that prestige for many years.  I have learned a lot in these years. I have developed many skills and have a great deal of knowledge.  Most of the knowledge I gained isn't directly related to the study of religion per se. It's broader knowledge that I wish to apply elsewhere (see somewhere above).  I have no regrets about my time in the program or my decision to leave.

This long-winded post can be summarized as: I am not completing my PhD program, by my own choice.  There are very many factors contributing to this choice, but perhaps the most determining factor is a fundamental shift in priorities and life goals.

That and now I won't have to avoid the question of "when are you finishing?" any more :P

Excuse me now, I have a child trying to be patient and taking pictures of my typing while laughing hysterically.

We're off to do our dreams.